And when chips are down

I ran today. After 11 days. After the worst 4.34 kms of my life. And after the 7 days preceding them.
The longest break I've had, since I started running in 2012.

Going back to 17th January 2016, 5:58 AM. I stopped, out of breath, clutching my knee. On my left there was the sea. But the water flowing from my eyes was saltier.
You know how they say, you can never feel after a run?  Well, I've never felt worse. To be honest, I stopped at the "Pizza by the Bay" turn because I knew the way to my hotel from there. As I walked through the darkness, the thoughts in my head took up the same shade. "That't it" "You're done" "This was supposed to be your career, look where you are now"
Exactly an year back,I had blazed through the streets of Mumbai, finishing the course off in 2:56:24.
Now? Ironman done, Ultraman coming up and knee? Gone.
Signs were marked along the way, i mean literal flares shouting at me to not go to the starting line. As soon as I got out of the expo, my bib was lost. I still showed up, ignoring the signs.

I went to my room and did something I haven't done after a run, ever.
I cried, I cried a lot. A DNF at ADHM, followed by a strong showing at the 12 hour Stadium Run and then, 2 weeks before my 3rd SCMM, a knee blowout. I took a break. Stopped for the 1st time. Turns out, didn't help. Severe muscle damage apparently. My hatred towards Gyms worked out against me.

Following few days, were even worse. I'm sorry, i'll come off as a real jerk but on my return flight, 4 guys who ran the marathon from Delhi sat beside me. And they were discussing the marathon. And I was really cursing the "No firearms" policy at airports and airplanes.

Talking about it, just felt like ways of convincing myself. You know? "Yeah yeah, I stopped. Shit Happens. Next time." Somehow, 1 part of you knows : "No. Things could have been different. Things could be changed. "

It can be burden of expectations too. I am a person who really doesn't care what other think of him, I set goals for myself and I work hard and try to achieve them. The expectations have gone up in recent years and when the calls go unanswered,  you just feel despicable.

Running has been my savior. To be extremely honest, it's a release valve for me. I run really fast because I desperately want to stand really still.I will myself on, day after day, in the afterglow of a cocktail of endorphins and pain. As masochistic as it may sound, I like to suffer. I enjoy it. It makes me forget stuff for hours on end. And the sense of achievement I get is real, concrete.

Running 2 hours, round and round in circles, faster and faster till a point that the mind loses coherence about "this wrong thing"and "that wrong decision" and just thinks about "hold on for dear life", it's fun for me. Running is my meditation, my therapist, my best friend.

So being away from it, for an extended period just made the failure much worse. Really learnt what being depressed means.

But i guess, the darkest hour comes just before the dawn. Amirite? I learnt a lot, maybe this was needed.
This break was necessary, the helplessness too. My favorite mood is "Last minute panic"
4 months to Ultraman, this panic surely came at the right time.


Things have changed. The man who hates Gym, went to the Gym (Not be a vapid narcissistic jerk, just to strengthen the muscle groups I need). Diet has changed. So has workout pace. And most importantly, the outlook.

As I finished the 5.1 miles today, I was grinning like a small child does after successfully executing a mischievous plan.
Victory had weakened me, Fear of failure just put me back on track.

Time to see the dawn come up.